Longview

This past weekend had me thinking of the song "Longview" by Green Day. I love this song because it came out when I was in college and pretty much described my daily existence. Anyway, I digress. Let me describe 4 patients with a common theme that I saw in a 12-hour span in the psych ER.

1. A gentleman who was still with us from the night before. He had called 911 from his group home because his roommate was masturbating. He was worried that he might kill the roommate if he didn't stop wacking it it in front of him. This schizophrenic man gets an A+ for insight. Our social worker called the group home all day, and no one answered. Then at shift change (8 p.m.), the group home called, back wondering where he was. Meanwhile, he sat around watching the following acts all day long.

2. An older, demented Hispanic male was been brought in to the psych ER by EMS. His only apparent transgression was pulling weeds out of a highway median. He couldn't give us any working phone numbers and we couldn't figure out where he belonged, so he stayed. At some point, he sat next to this young, almost catatonic female and tried to start a conversation. Needless to say, his intentions became apparent, as he was later found with his hand on her breast and his other hand on his exposed junk. Funny part is that he was passed out before he could finish himself off.

3. Young guy was in for first-break psychosis. His parents were there with him, very sad to see this. He was pleasant but very disorganized. He told me the reason he was brought to the hospital was because he spoke English too well. After breakfast he asked the nurse, "Based on how much I just ate, can you tell me how much I should expect to sh!t?" Later, he had a pencil and paper and handed the nurse the following note: "I can't survive on this juice and crackers sh!t. If I masturbate some more will I get more food?"

4. And finally, EMS brought in a 30-ish female. Chief complaint: Lying in the street, masturbating. They had her hands cuffed to the gurney to keep her from touching herself. She told me she hadn't been doing drugs, but the paramedic told me that last time she had been huffing embalming fluid. Yes, there was a last time...She just got out of our psych unit a week ago for the same thing! She also was positive for cocaine then. I told the paramedic, "I don't know what kind of drugs makes a woman act like that, but I can assure you that for the sake of every man in America, I will try to find out."

-Psych Doc