Friday, June 26, 2009

Captain Clue Cell

I was a very green 3rd year med student starting a family medicine rotation when I was tasked with doing a pelvic exam on an enormous female. She was at least 300 pounds with fat rolls that could compete in a baking contest. She was there because she was having sex and her partner's condom fell off inside her and they could not find it. It was an enormous undertaking even for an experienced doctor, but I was very confident that I could remove the object.

The nurse helped Thunder Rolls down onto the exam table and then called in another nurse to hold the fat away from the vaginal vault. Upon removing the large pannus (fat roll), I got a whiff of rotten fish and almost puked. I then grabbed the largest speculum in the room. I lubed it up and dove in like an experienced crane operator. I got into the vault and saw nothing but pure human flesh. It was like a black hole, and I fished around with the speculum and followed the smelly trail to the back of the vagina.

Hell yes, there it was! I reached in like a fool with some forceps and pulled. As I pulled, however, it was adhered to the back of the vagina. So I pull harder, and then it gave way to a flying condom with smelly mucous that lands across my feet and sprays my eyes. I wanted to quit medicine at the moment. I wasn't sure if I should grab alcohol pads, water, soap, or eye drops. I got up and copiously irrigated my eyes. Thankfully, the patient only had clue cells which meant she had benign bacterial vaginosis. From then on, I was known as Captain Clue Cell. .

-Doc Sensitive

23 comments:

Surgeon In My Dreams said...

I just blew Pepsi out my nose.............

Kim said...

*gag*....gross....funny, but gross.

OB_1_ Kanobi said...

I wonder why snorkels are not required by JCAHO for such procedures.

Luna said...

dude i almost barfed.....and that takes alot for me

"Red" Merriweather Coast said...

Wear eye protection next time. Pelvics aren't pleasant for the person on the other end of the scalpel either ...

Me said...

You have the most HORRIBLE stores. I suddenly feel like doctors aren't paid ENOUGH!!!

Guzzo said...

Sheesh.. I couldn't do it. I don't even want to ask how the heck the condom got that deep in the first place.

l33t MD* said...

Now there's a nice little story to start off your day... I need to rethink my habit of checking my feed reader after breakfast.

tracy said...

...hey, thanks. Almost makes me feel...small...or....close to slim...or something......well, close.

yay said...

I've just spent a few hours whinging about a kid puking on the carpet at my work in the 12th hour of my shift.

But fetid vagina-juice in the eye is just a whole different grossness universe.

I am humbled.

Liz said...

You're going to have to change the name of this blog.

Something like "Truly Disgusting Tales From the Serenity Now Hospital".

Tayaki said...

horrifying. i'm so glad we only work on animals.

LivingDeadNurse said...

omg i am crying from laughing so hard...glad i wasn't drinking anything

Anonymous said...

This post was just rude. I normally like your postings but this one was just crude even for you. Even a large woman does not have to have her rolls moved out of the way for a ob/gyn exam (300 is not THAT big)...

A fat woman has the same size vagina as a small woman - you were being a truly insensitive and ill-trained med student if you grabbed the largest tool - that poor woman. To yank something/anything out of a vagina can cause serious damage.

I hope you are no longer this same individual...if you are, please get out of the ER now or insist that you never treat another woman again. Either that or get some serious counseling on your hostility against women - especially overweight women. Also, review your basic anatomy and never ever touch another human being with such disrespect and despise again.

First do no harm.

Ashamed you are a Doctor like myself.

Student RN said...

Anon, 300 pounds is relative. On a person who is 5'0" that is rather large. And to be honest, I've been the one holding back the fat so that we could straight cath a larger lady (hint, it took more than 2 of us). Secondly, if your sensitive, don't read blogs. It's not place where people should need to be PC as not to offend. If you don't like it, don't read it. Its that simple

Rob Levine said...

One word: Goggles.

Anonymous said...

You know, once you are 300 pounds it doesn't matter if you are 5 feet tall or 5 feet 9 inches. However, 300 pounds really isn't THAT big (try 500 to 600 pounds).

And it doesn't actually matter how much a patient a pt weights, looking for a lost condom sucks for everyone involved!!

One last thing - having done many speculum exams over the past 4 years - don't know about everyone else's findings, but bigger ladies tend to have bigger vaginas from my experience. Definitely lots of redundant tissue as well. So although I start with a usual sized speculum, I usually need to upgrade anyway.

Anonymous said...

ANON 923---You are not only humor impaired, but, quite frankly, WRONG. I have been in situations where it took four nurses to insert a urinary cathether--one on each thigh, one on the pannus, and one to insert the cath.

I agree with Student RN that you need to switch from blog-reading to quilting.

[And before you get your knickers in a twist, I ain't no lightweight myself, checking in at OVER 200 lbs. However, I am very fit and wear a size 16---so weight isn't nearly as important as where the rolls are..]

Conan said...

300 lbs is not big..for an elephant maybe.. get real. That is why there are so many obese individual here in the US because people like you are in denial and think that 300 lbs is not big. Yea it's not big, it is huge....

Anonymous said...

this is why i lost 140lbs... and then had plastics...

Anonymous said...

Frigging Gross! Descriptives used made it seem like I was in the room. I have had 4 nurses in a room to lift the fat folds of an enormous male while playing find the sunken in diabetic penis to cath. Those moments are unforgettable.

Anonymous said...

Same thing my third year in Med school. The OB residents dumped a "400 pound +" patient on the students. We drew straws and I lost- the other four held back the thighs and pudendal region. Lets just say I have never eaten cottage cheese again

Anonymous said...

I have spent the last hour or so reading this blog (found it by accident). This particular story is probably one of the most disgusting things I have ever read in my entire life. There is no way I could work as a nurse or a doctor. I volunteer at different animal rescue organizations -- give me an animal any day -- I can clean up anything on an animal and not blink an eye. Dang, humans can be disgusting. Literally, and I mean this literally, I had such a gag reflex reading this story that I really thought I would throw up -- don't know how medical people deal with this kind of stuff.

I think I just realized how much I really, really like my job working for a corporate law firm.