Saturday, March 9, 2013

Nice Doctor

A 30 something year old female visiting from out of town presented for seizure and knee pain. This was her 3rd visit in 10 days for the same.   She was an obvious drug seeking faker from the start.  Her previous visit stated she demanded dilaudid for her knee pain.

This visit was no different. She said she had 3 seizures, and banged her knee during the seizures. She said her seizures were due to stress, and she needed anxiety meds and IV dilaudid or demerol to get her back to normal.  Request denied.  I explained IV narcotics for an invisible knee bruise was a little extreme.   I ran some basic blood work…..and of course all was negative.

When I went in to discharge her, the narcotic requests kept coming. I told her there was no way.  She tried to have one of her seizures.  During her seizure I asked “are these what your seizures are normally like?”  She replied yes…..during the seizure mind you.  So I told her she was faking her seizure and to please leave.

The nurses tried to take her out by wheelchair, but she refused the wheelchair. This was so she could “fall” and have another fake seizure on the floor. During the seizure she kept screaming “YOUR DOCTOR IS A MOTHER FUCKIN COCK SUCKER. HE’S A COCK SUCKER. THE DOCTOR IS A COCK SUCKER.”

I have never sucked a cock. But if I did, I would rather my patients not broadcast it like that.

ER Doc

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Weird call from last night between the nurse and a “patient”…..

Patient:  “I think I broke my arm and I need someone to come here and check it out.”
Nurse:  “I am sorry to hear that.  You are welcome to come to the ER to get checked out.”
Patient:  “If I come up there is there going to be drama?”
Nurse: “Only if you start drama.”
Patient: “I don’t want any drama and if I come there will be drama.  Can you just send someone to my place to check it out.”
Nurse:  “Sir you called the ER, not 911. Maybe you meant to call 911. But we don’t make house calls from the ER.”
Patient:  “Bitch I know who I called. I got monitors and locks on me I can’t leave the house. Don’t you give a shit about your patients? Get up here and check me out. “
The nurse hung up at that point since he was not our patient and obviously a dickhead.

ER Doc

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Stroke and Politics

Politics and racism can be very dividing.  It can affect people so much that their views are literally burned in their brain no matter what

A lot of times with stroke, the patient will present with altered mental status. I had an 81 year old with a stroke last week. She couldn't move her left side, and she couldn't remember anything.  She didn't know the day, year, her family....nothing. BUT, when I asked her who the president was, she said "That colored guy. I wish I could push him in a ditch!"  I don't know how her stroke could knock out so much of her memory but she still had the anti Obama in her.

ER Doc

Friday, February 15, 2013

Valentines Day

Holidays are always bad in the ER. July 4th because of the firework injuries, new years and memorial day because of the drunks, etc. 

Apparently valentines day is no exception. Below are a few stories from my shift last night on valentines day. Interestingly, they were all females

  • A 37 year old female came in after taking 70 tabs of neurontin trying to kill herself because her boyfriend "forgot" it was valentines day. She took this as him saying he didn't love her, and a fight ensued. As a valentines present from me, she got a lovely mixture of charcoal to drink and an overnight stay in the ICU. 
  • The local MHMR had a valentines day dance for their mentally challenged patients.  A nice 27 year old with mild-moderate MR was upset no one asked her to dance. On the ride home in the short bus, this enraged her. For some reason, she attacked the bus driver, who wrecked the short bus. Guess who got to take care of the short bus patients. 
  • A 70 year old female had an anxiety attack spending her first valentines day alone after her husband had passed away. The ativan did wonders and she left happy.
  • A nice son brought his 81 year old mother flowers for valentines day. When she got up to take the flowers, she fell and broke her hip. 
  • A young couple were on a date for valentines at a fancy restaurant. Apparently the girl is allergic to "citrus," and she consumed something with citrus at the restaurant. She promptly swelled up and dinner was cut short as she needed to visit the ER to reverse her anaphylaxis. 
ER Doc

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Stripper Juice

So a stripper comes in for a butt abscess. I respect the ladies of the night.  They work hard for their money right?  Usually they are pretty street smart. But not this dumb ho. She must be stuck on the day shift. (She put on her demographics she was a stripper so there was no secret going into the room).

Stripper Juice: "Wow your my doc. Your pretty cute. You should come see me sometime."

ER Doc: "Uhhh what brings you in today."

She immediately jumps on the bed and gets in the doggy style position, ass in the air, and pulls down her shorts leaving has her nasty thong on. The smell of a nasty river took over the room.

Stripper Juice: "I have this big boil on my butt. Do you think I got bit by a spider!?!?."

WTF?? This lady slides up and down dirty polls that other dirty strippers vaginas have slid on, puts her ass on the stage and makes a V with her legs to get a dollar bill, and rubs her shit on countless mens nasty pants, and her thought is a spider bite caused her abscess?? I know most people think a magical spider causes all boils, but I would think a damn stripper would think their disease infested profession might have something to do with pocket of pus growing on her ass.

ER Doc: "It's possible it was a spider, but more likely it was from your job. How clean is your working environment."

Stripper Juice: "Oh its disgusting."

So Stripper Juice got a nice incision and drainage.  She will now have a scar on her ass...hopefully it doesn't affect her revenue. I wrote her a work excuse that said "no stripping, poll dancing, or booty rubbing until wound is fully healed."

ER Doc

Monday, February 11, 2013

We're baaaaack. I don't know for how long...but we are bored and thought we would give this another try. Both of us have aged, become less mature, and have different jobs. But we still have shit to talk about. Check back soon for something worthless to read.

-ER Doc, Psych doc

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Serenity Now's Last Compression



  • Home Remedies patients have told me about that I think are funny/stupid: Vinegar after too much pork or salt to help lower blood pressure, mustard with garlic for gas, people who wear cotton balls in their ears, peeing on a burn, mustard on burns, mayo on burns, eating cheese to stop smoking, eating oatmeal after fried foods to help "break it up", red or green rubbing alcohol for flank pain
  • I am sick of Hispanic people who live in this country for years and don't bother to learn English. I don't know how many times I have seen someone who says they have been in the US for 10+ years, and don't speak English. And you expect me to be able to help you?
  • I had a guy come in last week for hand weakness after "watching cinemax all night." And it was a Saturday night!
  • A mom who had cigarette in mouth when going to pick up baby from high chair, slipped, and spit the cigarette in her eye causing a nasty burn to her eye
  • Don't waste the fire departments time by having them check your blood pressure. Go to a drug store and have a machine do it. Don't waste the fireman's time
  • Had a patient call 911 from her ER room in my ER last week because she was hearing voices in her head. Funny shit.
  • Had a nursing home doc send me a patient to examine because her vision was getting worse. When I asked what her baseline vision status was....he said "oh, shes already legally blind, but she seems to be more blind now." WTF am I supposed to do with that?
  • A 26 year old mom and her 13 year old son....both coming to the ER for different psych complaints.....
  • A different nursing home sent the same patient in THREE TIMES in the SAME night for her trach falling out. And she didn't even need the trach anymore. The 3rd time she came I just threw away the trach and sent her back.
I will miss my real readers. Sorry losers had to ruin for you

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Breast Augmentation

I love fake boobs. But this, ladies, is NOT how you do it.

An 18 year old came in for breast pain after "at home breast augmentation." She was visiting her friend in Mexico, and mentioned to her friend she wanted to go from a B to a C cup. So her friend, in true Mexican resourcefulness style, injected cooking oil into both breasts.

Yeah, that just happened.

So I examined her breasts. Luckily for her I didn't see any signs of infection. I was not, however, impressed with her friends work.

-ER Doc

Sunday, June 19, 2011

"I Promise I'll Be Good This Time"

A 22 year old male came in for severe hand pain. He injected meth into his forearm a few hours prior (first time I have heard about injecting meth.) His hands were swollen, pale, and beginning to have decreased pulses.

We started and IV and gave him fluids, antibiotics, and morphine through the IV. As soon as he got the morphine, he jumped up and ran out of the ER screaming "see ya bitches!"

After this, I figured he had a chronic hand condition that he used to trick ERs into getting pain meds for. But 2 hours later he was back, and his hand was nearly black. "I promise I will be good this time" he said.

So he was admitted to the ICU on a heparin drip. He will probably loose the hand.

-ER Doc

Friday, June 10, 2011

80s Stars and Bad Vitamins

First, let me say that like ER Doc, I am starting to feel like I have described every kind of moron that can be encountered in a psychiatric setting. In order to prevent repetitiveness, it may be time to wind this thing down. Notice that I am describing a particular type of moron in most of my posts. Rarely do I exploit those with real psychiatric illnesses, but this patient had me straining to keep a straight face. I am not making fun of her, but what she said was funny. And her "voice" was telling her to get a gun and shoot herself, which is most definitely unfunny.

Warning: Strong Language to follow.

The patient was a female in her 30s. She has been more or less psychotic since she gave birth to her first child a decade ago. Her illness is not helped by a 20 year marijuana use history as well as K2 and other synthetics for the past 6 months. She began by telling me that since she was a little girl, a person named "Jane" has lived in her head and has been belittling her and "making me sell my soul. She calls me 'Punky Brewster' and 'Vitamin Pussy.' I don't even know what that means, but when I worked in Denny's, some teenagers looked at the menu and told Jane to call me that."

She said, "I know that Jane was harassing me last night because I woke up with morning breath." And interestingly, Jane caused her face to turn orange; "The same color as dog poo."

I mentioned that Jane has been around for a while. "Jane first came to visit me when I was 3 years old. At first she gave me happy dreams. Then when I turned 10, the dreams got all gay."

"Gay?", I queried.

"I dreamt I was making out with Emilio Estevez. I was so in love with him. I woke up all excited. I tried to go back to sleep and have the same dream again, but that bitch made me dream about a mermaid on a damn beach!"

"How has your illness affected your work and personal lives?", I asked.

"I can't get a job. Jane always puts me down. Every time I go on a job interview, she says, 'Nobody will ever hire you because your pussy isn't as pretty as their pussies.'"

Maybe that's why Soleil Moon Frye was never heard from after 1988.

-Psych Doc