Twilight Zone

In the psych ER, most of the patients are kept in a large open room so they can be monitored. There are a few beds in private rooms that are reserved for people that are medically ill (i.e. with foleys or ostomies, see prior posts) or sometimes for patients who are extremely loud and disruptive. These rooms are, for the most part, vacant.

When you walk into the unit, you have to pass right by these private rooms. I showed up for call one night and heard somebody singing that "Day-O" banana boat song. I went to get some coffee before starting the shift then walked onto the unit. "Day-O" had stopped by now. I walked past the first room, and I heard this loud bark that scared the crap out of me. It wasn't the volume that startled me, but the direction it came from-it was low to the ground, just like a Rottweiler would be.

I looked over my shoulder, and things just started getting weirder. There was a huge black woman with no legs, who still probably weighed over 300 pounds. She was scooting around on the floor, a la Eddie Murphy on Trading Places, except this lady didn't have a skateboard or sunglasses. To make matters worse, she was obviously on her period, and she was leaving a brownish-red trail like breadcrumbs so you could see everywhere she's been. It reminded me of when your dog has worms and drags his dirty ass all over your carpet.

As soon as we made eye contact, she said "How you doin', Boo?" I walked away to hear her seranading me with another round of "Day-o."

-Psych Doc

p.s. "Shoo, Shoo, retarded flu"