Friday, June 10, 2011

80s Stars and Bad Vitamins

First, let me say that like ER Doc, I am starting to feel like I have described every kind of moron that can be encountered in a psychiatric setting. In order to prevent repetitiveness, it may be time to wind this thing down. Notice that I am describing a particular type of moron in most of my posts. Rarely do I exploit those with real psychiatric illnesses, but this patient had me straining to keep a straight face. I am not making fun of her, but what she said was funny. And her "voice" was telling her to get a gun and shoot herself, which is most definitely unfunny.

Warning: Strong Language to follow.

The patient was a female in her 30s. She has been more or less psychotic since she gave birth to her first child a decade ago. Her illness is not helped by a 20 year marijuana use history as well as K2 and other synthetics for the past 6 months. She began by telling me that since she was a little girl, a person named "Jane" has lived in her head and has been belittling her and "making me sell my soul. She calls me 'Punky Brewster' and 'Vitamin Pussy.' I don't even know what that means, but when I worked in Denny's, some teenagers looked at the menu and told Jane to call me that."

She said, "I know that Jane was harassing me last night because I woke up with morning breath." And interestingly, Jane caused her face to turn orange; "The same color as dog poo."

I mentioned that Jane has been around for a while. "Jane first came to visit me when I was 3 years old. At first she gave me happy dreams. Then when I turned 10, the dreams got all gay."

"Gay?", I queried.

"I dreamt I was making out with Emilio Estevez. I was so in love with him. I woke up all excited. I tried to go back to sleep and have the same dream again, but that bitch made me dream about a mermaid on a damn beach!"

"How has your illness affected your work and personal lives?", I asked.

"I can't get a job. Jane always puts me down. Every time I go on a job interview, she says, 'Nobody will ever hire you because your pussy isn't as pretty as their pussies.'"

Maybe that's why Soleil Moon Frye was never heard from after 1988.

-Psych Doc


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

You mean drugs are bad?

Anonymous said...

Was she hot?

arzt4empfaenger said...

Sounds like MJane is a real friend. ;-(

SerenityNow said...

No she was not hot.

And yes, drugs are bad, mmmkay?
Yes, even pot. Maybe not for everyone, but eventually it will catch up with you.

If you're using drugs or alcohol and your life arc leads you to see a psychiatrist, then the substance has become problematic enough that it needs to stop.

-Psych Doc

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