Thursday, February 24, 2011


I admitted this guy to the hospital a few nights ago. I asked how he ended up there, and he started with, "Well you see, I'm a very religious person..."
This is almost always a bad sign. Nothing against religion, but it can take marginally crazy people and push them right over the edge. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "God is talking to me" or "The devil is in my head". Why doesn't anyone ever hear Uncle Leo? or a furry little rabbit? or a GI Joe? I digress.

This guy has been smoking weed and PCP, every other day, for 13 years. Except for the 6+ years he was in prison for his 7 felonies. A couple weeks ago, he was partying with some buddies, then decided to go into a bedroom to pray, while high. "I was talking real fast, real stupid, Doc, and I said some bad things. I blasphemed God. I felt really bad. I started thinking about what I should do about it. Then I remembered the passage that said 'God said you should cut off what offends him.'"

So a few days later, he was partying at a friend's house again (he's always at a friend's house because he has no house), and he busted out a steak knife and cut his tongue off. Not all of it, just the distal 1/3. Then, his caring friend, who had a bunch of warrants, dragged the patient into the front yard of the house next door with his tongue in his pocket, and called 911. Which was nice, because what would a guy with no tongue tell the dispatcher? "Ahhhhhh thit! I cut oth tha thip of my thucking thung!"

By the time I talked to him, his tongue was sutured back on. He was happy he did it. "My relationship with God is more calm now. I wonder what my future will be like with this speech problem. But I did the right thing. I shouldn't have blasphemed."

I tried to rationalize with him about other Bible teachings, like how we were created in God's image. If that's true, wouldn't cutting of your tongue be equal to cutting of God's tongue? "I never heard that before." Funny since he's very religious (refer to paragraph one.)

I think the passage is Matthew 5:30

"And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee; for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."

Taken in context, it seems most likely Jesus is speaking in parable or even sarcasm.

Think about it the next time some Bible thumpers gives you a literal, concrete translation of a Bible passage.

Sunday school is over. Drugs are bad.

-Psych Doc


Stephanie said...

OMG. Funniest story. EVER.

Stephanie said...

OMG. Funniest story. Ever. His friend had a few warrants? No way!

Anonymous said...

Hey, it WAS a rabbit in Donnie Darko.

Maybe fictional psychotics are given higher than average levels of creativity +/- fewer god issues. ;)

June Clever said...

"Why doesn't anyone ever hear Uncle Leo? or a furry little rabbit? or a GI Joe? I digress"

A black lab told David Berkowitz (Son of Sam) to kill people.

Anonymous said...

You're right on the passage and incidentally that was the selected gospel in many churches last week. Jesus is likely using some sarcasm to dig on the holy hypocrites, but also challenging the conventional wisdom of the time. Religion with a nice dose of reason has a much better shot at making non-crazies; too bad that doesn't happen as often as we like. Then again, we get fantastic stories like this out of it...

kate said...

Ahh...the Thumpers. It's amazing how they feel like they can do or say anything - as long as it's followed by "but I'm a very religious person" - it's totally okay.

Case in point? A guy who cussed me out ten times over for not scheduling his appt EXACTLY the way he wanted..."f" this and "f" that. When I offered him a certain appointment date, he said "oh, I won't be able to make that. I have a church funtion. I'm a very religious person" before launching into another tirade of "f" off and calling me a whore.


ERP said...

Good thing he did not make thrusting gestures with his penis during his prayer or you would have needed a urologist STAT.

Sarah said...

I apologize for all said hypocrites listed above who are giving God and his followers a bad name. Yes, when Jesus said to cut off an offending part, he was using a metaphor. We are to rid ourselves of sin and repent.

In this guy's case, the best way for him to "cut it off" would be to stop abusing drugs and get a job. Or maybe talk less :)

Scripture also says if a man does not work he does not eat.

SerenityNow said...

great stuff man

ER Doc

Nurse K said...


Hilarious, dude.