Dream Interpretation: Elevator

Dear Psych Doc,

I have a recurring dream for years that I hope you can help me with. In the dream, I am riding an elevator in a tall building. I am going up...and the elevator starts to break. Instead of falling, though, it starts going up uncontrollably. It goes faster and faster till it explodes out of the roof (kind of like in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). When I am in mid air, I awaken sitting up in my bed screaming and sweating. I am afraid of heights...could this have anything to do with the dream?

-ER Doc

Dear ER Doc,

I'm sorry to tell you that fear of heights has nothing to do with it. Your brain is too smart to let you think it's something that simple that is causing your anxiety.

Theory #1: In Freudian symbolism, the elevator "shaft" represents your penis. You feel the elevator car (your man-seed) starting to break and rumble. After reaching a certain threshold (known to men as 'The Point of No Return'), the load is unstoppable. It shoots out the top of the building, making your pajama bottoms all sticky.

Cure #1: The way to prevent this is to keep your pipes clean. It's like you have Augustus Gloop stuck in there and you've gotta keep it moving. Just tell some nurses you have an Everlasting Gobstopper that needs licked, and you will prevent all future nighttime desecration of your undergarments.

Theory #2: You have a gay man crush on Gene Wilder and you want to be alone in a small glass room with a guy who dresses fruity and your old homeless granddad.

Cure #2: See Cure #1.

-Psych Doc