2 Diagnoses for the Price of One

OK, enough about the farting. Let's get to a story that involves the other hole down there!

A 50-year-old lady came in by EMS status post 2 seizures at home. She had missed her medicines the last couple days, so it was no big deal that she was seizing. I ordered a dilantin (seizure medication) level to know how much medicine to give her.

Surprise to me...the nurse had ordered a urine test. And what came back in it?? Trichomoniasis in her urine! Usually this is tested by a swab of the vaginal discharge during a pelvic exam. When you see it swimming in the urine, you have a nasty case of the trich.

So this 50-year-old got dilantin for her seizures AND a loading dose of metro for her trich.

Patient after I told her she has a STD: "I'm gonna kill my husband!"

Me: "I understand, ma'am. I just ask that you please do it next to a different trauma center."

Her: "Deal!"

-ER Doc

Patient Quote of the Day (and an insite to doctor farting)

I had a 30 year old Hispanic Panic male patient last night that was being seen for chest pain. He ushered me in the room after our initial, loonnnngggg visit.

Me: "Yes sir, what can I do for you."

Him: "Hey Doc, can you get me some air freshener?"

Me: "Huh? No we don't carry air freshener in the ER. Why?" (Astounded look on my face b/c I just coded 2 people and this guy is asking me for air freshener??)

Him: "Oh. I just have to fart and I didn't want anyone to smell it."

With a pissed off look on my face, I told him to just let it rip, and then let one rip myself as I walked out of his room.


I know plenty of docs, maybe even myself at times, who choose patient rooms to fart in. Usually we get to hit the can maybe once in a 10 hour shift, so definitely don't have time to go to the bathroom to pass gas every time the cafeteria food makes its way down the colon. We usually choose either unconscious or altered patients rooms, homeless patients rooms (b/c they smell themselves), or really obese patients rooms (b/c they will be the prime suspects).

-ER Doc

Abdominal Complaint

A pleasant 45 year old male presented to the ER with a complaint of abdominal distension. He had no past medical problems. He was released from jail about 3 months prior after years of being locked up.

He was concerned because his stomach had been getting larger since he got out of jail. He went to an urgent care clinic 3 days before coming to the ER. The "doctor" at the urgent care told him that he was retaining fluid in his abdomen, probably because of liver/kidney/heart failure, and gave him lasix to help get the fluid off. No tests were made to help him get to this diagnosis.

I wasn't that impressed with his exam. No peripheral edema. No heart murmur. No fluid in his lungs. No skin changes concerning for liver failure, and no fluid wave in his abdomen. I told him we would do some tests to get to the bottom of things.

Nurse: "So what do you think is the matter with him."

Me: "I think he has enjoyed to much McDonalds since getting out of jail and has just gotten fat."

Nurse: "You are such as asshole doctor. You always think the worse for these poor patients. That man is probably dying from liver failure and you just think he is fat b/c you wish you could eat more McDonalds and let yourself go. Your such an dickhead....but damn I want you. Please take me now" Just kidding. She didn't say anything, just chuckled and looked at me like I was an idiot.

So....the tests came back. Normal kidney function, normal liver function, no heart failure, no fluid in his belly per ultrasound. Diagnosis= pot belly. He was relieved. I recommended diet, exercise, and stopping the lasix.

-ER Doc

EMR

One of the most valuable tools of electronic medical records his being able to review a patients previous visits quickly. I saved this note from residency b/c it was so funny. It had to be written by an off service resident, b/c there is no way an ER resident would write in such detail (hence all my short hand). Anyway, the resident does a great job of painting a picture of this glorious patient.

---------
HPI: 48 yo WF with past med history of extensive alcohol and drug abuse, bipolar disorder, Hepatitis C cirrhosis, and hypertension who presents after being found down at the bus stop across the street from this hospital. Patient reports that she woke up this morning and drank 2 bottles of wine and injected heroin subcutaneously, per her daily routine, and then set out on a bus ride to buy more wine and ask people for money. After buying the wine, she spent a few hours behind the hospital asking people for money. Then she went to the bus stop across the street to catch a ride back to her apartment. This is the last thing she remembers before awaking in the ambulance while being transported to the ER. Patient denies any fever/chills, nausea/vomiting, chest pain, loss of bowel or bladder incontinence. She does report she becomes very ill when she stops drinking, and has had seizures and hallucinations in the past while withdrawing from alcohol. Pt has reported to the ER countless times over the past 5 years for a series of injuries both from assaults and falls, and has been found down and treated for alcohol intoxication and withdrawal in the past. She is also wheelchair-bound secondary to a R hip injury which she sustained in 2007.

-ER Doc

Heatlhcare Dollars Part 2

OVER-TREATING:
Bingo....here is where the money goes down the toilet. End of life care.

From the article..."More than 80 percent of such patients say they want to avoid hospitalization and intensive care when they are dying, according to the Dartmouth Atlas Project. Yet the numbers show that's not what is happening: The average time spent in hospice and palliative care, which stresses comfort and quality of life once an illness is incurable, is falling because people are starting it too late. Hospitalizations during the last six months of life are rising. Treating chronic illness in the last two years of life gobbles up nearly one-third of all Medicare dollars."

Half of what we see in the ER is old nursing home gomers trying to die but their families won't let them. So lets just keep fighting so demented old grandma can sit in her chair in the nursing home some more and see them briefly on holidays. It is ridiculous.

Cancer sucks. If you have bad cancer and you are 75...and the treatments aren't working...hang it up and spend your time being comfortable.

I heard a story from a surgeon the other day: An illegal immigrant was shot while committing a crime. He was a vegetable in the trauma ICU. There was no one to "legally" execute a withdrawal of care for this ILLEGAL CRIMINAL IMMIGRANT, so he stayed on a ventilator in the ICU for a year....gobbling up who knows how much money. Finally after a year, the hospital ethics committee and a court agreed to pull the plug on the guy...and he passed shortly after. Glad my tax dollars are well spent.

Long story short.....let's rethink end of life care. Get past all the sensitivities and lets make some progress.

-ER Doc

Healthcare Dollars: Part 1 of 2

Here are a couple of interesting MSNBC articles....one about over-testing, and the other about over-treating. Both articles claim that we waste billions of dollars every year by over-testing and over-treating patients. Well....no shit Sherlock! Here are my takes on the subjects.

Part 1 OVER-TESTING:
Yes....we over-test a lot. It is called defensive medicine. But it is not JUST because we are afraid of getting sued. Nobody wants to get sued. I am sure it totally screws with your head. Just having to present in M&M conference in residency would fuck up my head for weeks. No doctor, especially ER doctors, want to miss something. In the ER you margin of error is supposed to be zero in the few minutes you have with a patient.

I am in a tort reform state, and lawsuits being capped has not slowed me or any of my colleagues down in our testing. We don't think..."Oh well, now I can only get sued 200k for this patient so I might as well send him home and risk it." No....its that WE DON'T WANT TO GET SUED PERIOD. We don't want to screw up. We don't want to miss things. There has to be a balance in the testing. But it seems as soon as we don't order that "unnecessary" test...we get screwed.
---side note...why do other docs (not me b/c I don't), order so many damn UAs??? You don't have to order a urine test for every ER patient guys).

Patients want to be tested. I don't know how many times I have heard, "But you aren't going to test my blood?" from a patient. No genius, I don't need to order blood work to see that you have cellulitis. I don't need a CXR or blood work to see that a 35 year old patient with no fever and who looks good has bronchitis. But try explaining that to a patient. They will either doubt you, or you will explain it soooooo many times throughout your practice that you will get so sick of explaining it and just order the damn tests.

So if you want to lower costs...don't just give us tort reform BUT protect us from being sued period (unless it involves complete breaching what a reasonable physician would do or if we act outright dangerously). THEN we can practice evidence based medicine. But you are going to have to protect us first.

-ER Doc

No Good Deed

I'm sure you've all heard the phrase, "No good deed goes unpunished." I'm sure this happens in all medical specialties, but this adage has been especially true for me recently. Every time I go out of my way to do anything but prescribe meds for my patients, they start to take advantage of me. Each time that I think I can help somebody by filling out disability forms, working with their caseworker/therapist, or helping them get medication assistance through pharma programs, etc., they come back asking for more stuff that manipulates the doctor/patient relationship.

Misuse of Rx meds is another issue I've blogged about. Today you will see both issues come together like a tarball in a gulf pelican's ass.

I have been treating this guy with Bipolar/Anxiety disorders for a year now. He also has a significant opiate dependence history, but that has been stable thanks to the methadone clinic. The guy has his ups and downs, and usually bounces from job to job, mostly stocking/warehouse type stuff. Aside from some social anxiety, he's done really well. No manic or depressive episodes since I've treated him. He's still young and didn't seem to have much direction. Until last week.

He came in for a regular appointment last week. He seemed pretty level-headed and was very pleasant. He hasn't worked for a while but is planning to go to community college next term. He asked me if I would write a letter to the college, indicating that I thought he would benefit from various classroom accomodations. I was really impressed by his new goal and he seemed to have a good outlook. While such a letter is extra work and no pay for me, I was glad to do it. Besides, an education could keep this guy off welfare for a few years. I gladly typed up a letter this morning, faxed it to the school's disability services, and sent a copy snail-mail-style to the patient.

This afternoon, I hear the registration clerks and the nurse laughing hysterically. The patient had called in with this story.

"I was wondering if Psych Doc could write me a new prescription of Xanax. I accidentally spit in the bottle." He went on to describe how he dips snuff, and he sometimes uses empty Rx bottles to spit in. He claimed that he reached over, grabbed a bottle and spit in it before he realized it wasn't an empty bottle. He said all the pills were ruined.

I have heard some great "I lost my Xanax" stories in my time bout this one beats them all. I asked the nurse to call him back and let him know that I would not give him an early refill on prn xanax. There's no way he spit so much he ruined a whole bottle. And what are the odds that it was the Xanax bottle that was open (not Prozac, etc.)

To paraphrase the nurses' conversation.

"Sir, you have a med contract and Psych Doc won't give you early refills."

"What am I gonna do?"

"I suggest you get in that bottle and salvage all that you can."

"But there's all kinds of matter in there."

"Well, you're the one that puts that nasty dip in your mouth. I'm sure you didn't spit enough to destroy them all. Try to do the best you can until your next refill is due."

"Okey dokey."



-Psych Doc

Confusing the Census Bureau

First, let me say congratulations to my colleagues. I wish them the best of luck. Just glad they are in a different hospital so they can't abuse me with a bunch of crap consults. For me, it's the 4th year of psych residency. Luckily, this means slightly less work. I think. But my program has a history of deceiving me.

A guy came in for refill on his antipsychotic. Reality testing seemed to be going fine. He was pleasant, oriented, not suicidal, denied hallucinations, etc. That is, until I asked him about agitation/aggression.

"I do pretty good except when I'm outside in the heat," he said. "Cherokees can't handle the heat."

Let me back up for a second and tell you that the guy across the table is obviously (to me at least) African American. So I was shocked by his comment. So shocked that I thought, "Wow, then why did they build all those tepees without air conditioning?" and "I bet it sucked hunting those bison" and "Why didn't they just hang out around the Bering Strait instead of migrating all the way down to the prairie?" and about a million other questions popped into my head.

Instead, all I could muster was, "Wow, I never knew that."

"Yeah, most people don't know that about us Cherokee. I'm also Dutch, German, and Jew."

I gave him my best "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" gaze, and didn't say anything.

He said, "That's right. 1% Jew."

"Okay, if you say so. Here's some Abilify. See you in a month"

-Psych Doc

La Cucaracha

It's been a while since my last blog because I have been busy getting all my academic requirements completed and am happy to report that I am officially done with residency. This story occurred about a month ago.

A 32 year old Hispanic female arrived holding her left ear and screaming at the top of her lungs. She was yelling in Spanish so I didn't know what she was saying. The triage nurse came up to me and told me that she had a live cockroach in her ear. I immediately went into the room and looked. Sure enough, a rather large cockroach was at the very back of her ear by the tympanic membrane (TM). I could see the tentacles moving and it's legs scratching at the membrane. It was the scratching which was causing her distress so I attempted to flush the thing out with some saline. In the process, I would periodically check to see if it had moved. Unfortunately, the roach would simply crawl back up into the ear after each irrigation.

I then put some viscous lidocaine in the ear to help with the pain and to try and kill the roach. Shortly after, I re-checked the ear and noticed that the TM perforated and now had a large hole in it! The roach had crawled into the hole behind her tympanic membrane (in layman's terms....bad shit!!!). At that point, I broke down and called ENT and she went up to the ENT clinic for roach removal. To this day, I don't know what happened in the ENT clinic, but I doubt it was good.

-Doc Sensitive

Graduation Day (Warning Explic*t Language)

Well folks....the day has come. Doc sensitive and I have finished residency! Last night was our graduation, and today we turned in all of our shit.

I would like to say a few words about what a wonderful experience residency was....but I can't think of anything. Residency fucking sucked ass! It was years of abuse disguised as "learning experiences." Most of our attendings sucked. Our patients sucked the life out of us. We were overworked and underpaid. My motto in residency was "No good dead at this hospital goes unpunished." It was the truth. Anytime you tried to help someone/something out... you would get screwed.

It was great seeing our "Chairman" at the graduation. What a real fucking inspiration this guy was. He inspired all of us to be nothing like him. He never worked clinically. Once he asked me what was in Lortab. He wasn't pimping me....he really didn't know. He pretty much just sat in a chair all 3 years getting fatter. He only got up if a TV camera was around.

The worst part was dealing with other residents. Not our co ER residents, but residents from other departments (surgery, ortho, internal medicine, etc.). Yes most of them were assholes at heart, but residency brings out the worst in EVERYONE. Because we are all tired and stressed, everyone is in a bad mood. Everyone would try to turf their work to someone else. Making a consult was horrible. No one listens to the needs of the patient, they are "listening" to see what they can do to get out of the consult and turf it to someone else.

I didn't learn shit the traditional way. There was no "see one, do one, teach one" bull shit. No reading in books and being taught by an attending and then putting that knowledge to work. The attending told you what to do and that was it.... because they were worried about their license and that's it.

I learned by seeing other people fuck up, and by my own fuck ups, and by my iPhone and google. Never in med school or residency did I read a text book! It's bullshit. Whatever is in a text book is about 5 years out of date. The way I learned the most, and the source of most of my posts, was through moonlighting. It was being on my own where I looked something up on EVERY patient and find my way. In residency it was just do what each individual attending told us to do.

The most I every worked was 30 hours straight on trauma. Sometimes I wouldn't know what day or month it was. I must have aged 15 years in my 3 years of residency. I look like shit. I can't count how many times I was stab in the back or used up and spit out.

What about psych doc??? Psych is a 4 year residency, so he was 1 more year of pain and suffering. Please pray for him to whatever god you choose.

The best part of residency was the few good friends I made.....and then finishing. We are done. No rest for the weary.....start work tomorrow. Where are we going you might ask?? Only about5 miles down the road! Doc sensitive and I will be working together. We are going to another busy trauma center. Very high acuity....higher than we had in residency. No uppity patients for us. We like to take care of sick patients, and those patients usually don't have a Humana Gold Card. Time to practice our way. Never have I been more scared!




-ER Doc

PS THE BLOG WILL CONTINUE