Chief Complaint of the Day

A 28 year old Hispanic male came in for "Left arm numbness and tingling after eating tacos. Thinks it causes a heart attack."

Uh yeah....quickest discharge ever.

-ER Doc

Happy Easter

Oh how I love working holidays (not really).

On Easter, we get hit with a ton of patients who pass out during church. Apparently the holy ghost is stronger than normal on easter. Grand total today....11 (1 was a pastor). One was a 17 year old who didn't eat dinner last night, didn't eat breakfast, and then got overheated in the crowded church and passed out shortly. How about just feed her instead of bringing her to the ER.

There was also some teens who decided to be cool and drive fast without seat belts on. Well they all got thrown out of the vehicle and have some pretty nasty injuries.

Then there was the onslaught of nursing home patients who finally get a visit from family, said family freaks out b/c they look like crap since they saw them last year, and then they send them to ER. Yay.

One was 81 years old. Her family brought her a big mac for easter. Well she promptly aspirated the big mac after only a few bites. She arrived to the ER hypoxic and had crumbles the big mac still in her mouth. Maybe next year they will bring soup.

Happy easter,

ER Doc

My Manic Patinent

I had a 23 year old truly manic female come in by EMS. She had been manic for days. Off her lithium and talking a mile a minute. EMS was called by a neighbor when she stormed into his apartment and started throwing his stuff off his balcony because she felt it was all evil.

Me: "Hello ma'am, my name is ER Doc."

Patient: "I know who you are. You were in my dream."

Me: "Oh really?" (expecting a compliment)

Patient: "Yes, you were satan burning on the cross!"

Me: "Who me!? Are you sure you don't have me confused with someone else?"

Patient: "No, you were definitely satan burning on the cross. You are evil."

Me: "But I am nice. And it is the day before Easter. I was even going to go to church tomorrow. Maybe I was an angel going to save the person burning"

Patient: "No you are satan and you were burning on the cross.

Me: "OK, well I will have to call Psych Doc then."

-ER Doc

Just Give Me The Damn Meds

Another snake bite. This one wasn't provoked. Poor guy was cleaning his shed and the damned snake latched on. Somehow he killed the thing and brought it in. It was a copperhead, which is never good news.

The bite was to his right hand. He was swelling quick and it was moving up his arm. He needed CroFab right away.

So I ordered the standard loading dose and asked the pharmacy to make sure they had enough vials ready...this guy was sick.

The pharmacy kept farting around, and we had to keep calling to rush them. Then the charge nurse came up to me and said, "ER Doc, the pharmacy wants to make sure you know how expensive the CroFab is. They said it is $2,000 dollars a vial." My reply was simple, "Get the pharmacy on the phone now please."

Me to pharmacy boss: "This is ER Doc. I heard you have concerns over the price of the crofab for my rapidly declining patient. You know I am not giving him CroFab for fun. Do you want to call the manufacturer and ask for a discount? Was there a new magic medicine made for this I don't know about? Or how bout I have Ortho come down and chop off his arm because that might be cheaper? Or....maybe I should just let him get worse and die? What do you think of all that? Do you have any suggestions since you are so concerned?

Pharmacy Boss: "Uhhhhhh"

Me: "Then just give me the damn meds."

The CroFab arrived shortly after.

-ER Doc

Mom Quotes

1) An 18 year old female came in for constipation for 3 months

Me: "Have you seen your primary doctor for this?"

Patient: "I tried calling my pediatrician, but he won't see me anymore since I have a kid now."


2) Patient: "I am here because I think I am having a reaction to my sons bug bite."

-ER Doc

Chief Complaint of the Day

What was the chief complaint you might ask?....

Patient: "I swallowed two thousand dollars worth of crack and now my stomach and chest hurt."

That's a lot of crack. His heart rate reflected it. He said he swallowed it pure. It wasn't wrapped in anything or stuffed in any orifices. The police showed up, he freaked, and shoved his hard earned drugs down his throat.

So my job was to basically keep him alive by not letting his heart explode. Thanks to a medicine called Ativan, in continuous IV drip form, this was accomplished.

-ER Doc

Virgins

An 18 year old female presented with rectal pain. One glance at the area and the diagnosis was clear.....genital warts.

Me: "Ma'am, you have genital warts. It is a STD."

Virgin: "That is impossible, I am a virgin."

Me (thinking yeah right I have heard it a million times): "Ok, well you still have anal warts and need to follow up at the county health department for treatment."

Virgin: "You don't believe I am a virgin do you?"

Me: "It doesn't matter what I believe, I am not here to judge. But no...I don't believe you."

Virgin: "Well I AM a virgin because I ONLY have anal sex."

Me: "Ahhhh, makes sense. And it hasn't worked out for you has it?"

Kids.....wear a condom even if your butt hole is a slut but your vagina is pure.

-ER Doc

Hit and Run

Here is a story from last winter....

It was snowing and the streets were covered with ice. A 43 year old woman hit not one, not two, but THREE cars in her neighborhood on her way home. The police were called and she was tracked down.

When they showed up to her door, she freaked and hid in the attic. Of course she had some outstanding warrants, so she was arrested.

As the police were escorting her out of the house to haul her off, she slipped and fell and shattered her radius.

So instead of bringing her to jail they had to bring her to the ER. As the police usually do, they got tired of waiting in the ER and released her from their custody.

Imagine the irony. She trashes 3 cars, and gets out of going to jail by breaking her arm in police custody.

-ER Doc