Classic Conversation

As I came on to my shift last night, I inherited a patient from a colleague who was awaiting the results of a cat scan of his back. He was in a car accident last month and had continued pain. Once the scan was read as normal, I went to introduce myself and give him the good news. The following is pretty much a word for word conversation between myself, him, and his ex wife. Oh...and this conversation did not take place in a private room. The ER was packed and I was seeing patients in a row of chairs. There were other patients sitting next to them who could hear everything (I don't want any HIPPA comments. This is real county hospital life).

Me: "Hello, sir. I'm ER Doc. I took over for Dr. XYZ. You cat scan came back normal, so we will be sending you home with some pain meds and instructions on how to take care of your back pain."

Patient: "What medicine are you sending me wit?"

Me: "A few Vicodin and Naprosyn. "

Patient: "That don't work on me. I need something stronger."

Ex Wife: "He needs Demerol. Give him that."

Me: (Busted out laughing b/c I was taken back by surprise). "No ma'am. I'm not writing for anything stronger."

Ex Wife: "LOOK, we used to be married, now we just have sex. Well, we used to have sex. But his back be bothering him too much and I don't get anything anymore. So hit him up with Demerol so I can get mine."

Me: (laughing again, now with around 8 other patients watching and laughing). "Have you tried getting on top?"

Ex Wife: "That don't matter none. His back hurt too much and I need mine. So fix him up with the Demerol. If you fix the back, I'll take care of his front."

Me: "Ma'am, if I gave him Demerol for his back, his front would be gone too. You can see a primary doctor for your sexual issues. I have to go now, good luck."

-About 5 minutes later the patient walked up to the doctor's station to see what was taking soooo long for him to be discharged. He proceeded to hit on all the nurses....pretty graphically. I jumped in and said, "Sir, you are going to have to go sit back down. After all, you can't get it up anyways."

-ER Doc