Saturday, March 27, 2010

Dream Interpretation: Santa's A Home Wrecker!

Psych Doc,

Man did I have a messed up dream. It was Christmas time, but for some reason the weather was summer. The dream involved myself, my wife, and my kids. Out of the blue, Santa was in our house proclaiming his love for my wife. Everyone in my family was so excited because it was Santa, and was encouraging my wife to go on a date with him. I, of course, was freaking out and didn't want to allow it.

In my dream Santa was tall, macho, wearing Santa pants with a red shirt and suspenders.... looking more like a tree chopper. Him and my wife decided to go on a date in our house. They were going to paint pictures together in the kids room. My family was anxiously sitting in the living room, hoping they would come out and proclaim their love for each other. After an hour, I stormed in the room to see what was going on. They were both painting their own pictures with their backs to each other. It seemed innocent, except they were only wearing smocks, nothing else.

My dream then cut to a baseball field. We had a family baseball team and it was time for a game. The dads of the families were the coaches. But the announcer loudly proclaimed a new coach for my families was freaking Santa Claus. I ran to the middle of the field and beat the shit out of Santa for being a home wrecker and sacrificing Christmas to the world to screw my wife!

Psych Doc....what the hell is the matter with me. Is my wife banging Santa?

Dear ER Doc,

In your dream, you are picturing the perfect family time. It is summer, school is out, baseball season. Nothing could be better. Except...wait for it...the ultimate in fantasy masculine figures (ok, except for maybe Conan the barbarian.)

This is a classic case of Male self-doubt. Your woman may have beaten you down to the point you feel you can do nothing right. So, in your dreams, in steps the guy who can do no wrong, good ol' Saint Frickin' Nick. The guy who takes a crap and out comes an Xbox 360 and he wipes with a complete set of 1984 Topps Baseball cards in mint condition.

You are worried that the anti-you (the guy who your wife seemingly wants) actually exists. If so, she would leave, your life would be hell, etc. But let me remind you...Santa is not real. Sorry to anybody younger than 8 reading this at home. But if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

I would like to know more about those pics that Santa and wife were drawing. Some more analysis could be done there.

Oh, and don't worry. Your wife has dreams that you are banging Jenna Jameson.

-Psych Doc


ERP said...

I think most guys would allow their wives to bang Santa if they were allowed to bang Jenna Jameson.

The Grinch said...

Don't you worry Doc. Santa is no competition to you. Your wife will not be happy with him. Remember he only come once a year. You on the other hand can probably do it at will.

SerentiyNowHosptial said...

I like the comments.

Maybe I come too fast, Grinch?

-ER Doc

The Grinch said...

The tongue_is mightier than the Pen_is, Doc. Remember that.

Guzzo said...

Maybe Santa was just looking for a little Christmas cheer.

Anonymous said...

Santa, that was a burgular. Poor guy.

kill head lice said...

I was wondering what is up with that weird gravatar??? I do know 5am is early and I’m not trying my best at that hour, however I hope I don’t look like this! I would nevertheless make that face if I’m asked to do one hundred pushups. lol