Chocking the Chicken

When I was an intern on trauma surgery, a 44 yo intoxicated male was admitted after sustaining some injuries in a motor vehicle crash. The patient was admitted overnight because he had some abdominal pain and was too intoxicated to clear neck from any damage. He was placed in a cervical collar to immobilize his neck, and the plan was to reexamine him the next morning when he was sober

The next morning we were on rounds with the attending physician. In our group was a very naive and innocent medical student who was tasked with presenting the patient in rounds. The medical student went into the typical "44 yo intoxicated male here after MVC sustaining blah blah."

After the presentation, the entire trauma followed the student into the patient's room to evaluate him. The room was shared with another old man. As we followed her in, the student turned bright red and opened her mouth in absolute astonishment. We then saw"Mr. intoxicated" in his cervical collar butt naked with his legs spread across hospital bed.... jerking off. The guy couldn't even see his penis b/c the c collar was on so he couldn't flex his neck, but he kept jamming away when everyone came into the room (no punn intended). The old man next to him looked so white we thought he may be dead.

The attending looked at the spectacle and said "Looks like Mr. Intoxication is feeling well and tolerating normal daily activities. Please discharge him." I ran out of the room laughing down the hallway.

The poor medical student couldn't look at us for the rest of the month. Hopefully Mr. Intoxicated was discharged with an accurate discharge summary.... "Pt on day of discharge was in good spirits, tolerating a good jerk off session!"

-Doc sensitive