Serenity Now's Last Compression

BECAUSE OF CERTAIN IDIOTS OUT THERE THAN ARE TOO SENSITIVE....THIS BLOG ENDS ASAP. I AM PUTTING SOME MINI RANTS BELOW OF THINGS I WANTED TO BLOG IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, BUT IT HAS TO END NOW. 
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• Home Remedies patients have told me about that I think are funny/stupid: Vinegar after too much pork or salt to help lower blood pressure, mustard with garlic for gas, people who wear cotton balls in their ears, peeing on a burn, mustard on burns, mayo on burns, eating cheese to stop smoking, eating oatmeal after fried foods to help "break it up", red or green rubbing alcohol for flank pain
• I am sick of Hispanic people who live in this country for years and don't bother to learn English. I don't know how many times I have seen someone who says they have been in the US for 10+ years, and don't speak English. And you expect me to be able to help you?
• I had a guy come in last week for hand weakness after "watching cinemax all night." And it was a Saturday night!
• A mom who had cigarette in mouth when going to pick up baby from high chair, slipped, and spit the cigarette in her eye causing a nasty burn to her eye
• Don't waste the fire departments time by having them check your blood pressure. Go to a drug store and have a machine do it. Don't waste the fireman's time
• Had a patient call 911 from her ER room in my ER last week because she was hearing voices in her head. Funny shit.
• Had a nursing home doc send me a patient to examine because her vision was getting worse. When I asked what her baseline vision status was....he said "oh, shes already legally blind, but she seems to be more blind now." WTF am I supposed to do with that?
• A 26 year old mom and her 13 year old son....both coming to the ER for different psych complaints.....
• A different nursing home sent the same patient in THREE TIMES in the SAME night for her trach falling out. And she didn't even need the trach anymore. The 3rd time she came I just threw away the trach and sent her back.

I will miss my real readers. Sorry losers had to ruin for you

Breast Augmentation

I love fake boobs. But this, ladies, is NOT how you do it.

An 18 year old came in for breast pain after "at home breast augmentation." She was visiting her friend in Mexico, and mentioned to her friend she wanted to go from a B to a C cup. So her friend, in true Mexican resourcefulness style, injected cooking oil into both breasts.

Yeah, that just happened.

So I examined her breasts. Luckily for her I didn't see any signs of infection. I was not, however, impressed with her friends work.

-ER Doc

"I Promise I'll Be Good This Time"

A 22 year old male came in for severe hand pain. He injected meth into his forearm a few hours prior (first time I have heard about injecting meth.) His hands were swollen, pale, and beginning to have decreased pulses.

We started and IV and gave him fluids, antibiotics, and morphine through the IV. As soon as he got the morphine, he jumped up and ran out of the ER screaming "see ya bitches!"

After this, I figured he had a chronic hand condition that he used to trick ERs into getting pain meds for. But 2 hours later he was back, and his hand was nearly black. "I promise I will be good this time" he said.

So he was admitted to the ICU on a heparin drip. He will probably loose the hand.

-ER Doc

80s Stars and Bad Vitamins

First, let me say that like ER Doc, I am starting to feel like I have described every kind of moron that can be encountered in a psychiatric setting. In order to prevent repetitiveness, it may be time to wind this thing down. Notice that I am describing a particular type of moron in most of my posts. Rarely do I exploit those with real psychiatric illnesses, but this patient had me straining to keep a straight face. I am not making fun of her, but what she said was funny. And her "voice" was telling her to get a gun and shoot herself, which is most definitely unfunny.

Warning: Strong Language to follow.

The patient was a female in her 30s. She has been more or less psychotic since she gave birth to her first child a decade ago. Her illness is not helped by a 20 year marijuana use history as well as K2 and other synthetics for the past 6 months. She began by telling me that since she was a little girl, a person named "Jane" has lived in her head and has been belittling her and "making me sell my soul. She calls me 'Punky Brewster' and 'Vitamin Pussy.' I don't even know what that means, but when I worked in Denny's, some teenagers looked at the menu and told Jane to call me that."


She said, "I know that Jane was harassing me last night because I woke up with morning breath." And interestingly, Jane caused her face to turn orange; "The same color as dog poo."


I mentioned that Jane has been around for a while. "Jane first came to visit me when I was 3 years old. At first she gave me happy dreams. Then when I turned 10, the dreams got all gay."


"Gay?", I queried.


"I dreamt I was making out with Emilio Estevez. I was so in love with him. I woke up all excited. I tried to go back to sleep and have the same dream again, but that bitch made me dream about a mermaid on a damn beach!"


"How has your illness affected your work and personal lives?", I asked.


"I can't get a job. Jane always puts me down. Every time I go on a job interview, she says, 'Nobody will ever hire you because your pussy isn't as pretty as their pussies.'"


Maybe that's why Soleil Moon Frye was never heard from after 1988.


-Psych Doc

How Do I Call The Ambulance

True story from this morning....

A 26 year old called the ER and spoke to the nurse. She had been seen last week in our ER, and had our telephone number on her discharge instructions.

Her question for our nurse was....."How do I call 911 to come get me?"

No this lady was not retarded. The nurse said "Just dial the numbers 9-1-1 on your phone."

Ten minutes later the lady was brought in by EMS.

-ER Doc

Medication Refill

I appreciate the kind words from everyone. Really I do a good job of venting to my friends Psych Doc and Doc Sensitive. The blog has been fun, but I think when the stories I have run out that will be the end. I received some interesting offers in the last week, so things might be on hold as far as shutting down production....for a little bit.

Anyways back to the stories......

A 63 year old male came in for a medication refill.

Me: "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"

Patient: "I was hoping you could refill my meds for my blood pressure."

Me (few basic history questions then...): "OK, what meds are you on?"

Patient: "I don't know. I have been on them for ten years."

Me: "I need a name if I am going to help you. Do you know what it sounds like, or what it starts with?"

Patient: "No, I just know I have been on it for a long time. Can you refill it?"

Me: "Sir, there are a lot of blood pressure names out there, can you think of anything for me to go with?"

Patient: "No, just refill them dammit!"

It was Sunday afternoon. No primary doc to call. He wasn't in our electronic medical records. He had no clue what the name even sounded like. He couldn't tell me what they looked like. He literally just expected me to be a genie and come up with his meds. I think I even said that at one point. I asked about 20 different questions that I was hoping would spark his memory. Nothing worked. Why the hell even come in?

-ER Doc

Patient Complaint

I received a funny patient complaint this week.

I had a 42 year old come in for scabies (we get a lot of patients with scabies, as you can tell by now).

I told him the treatment I would be prescribing him, but he had heard that a shot of decadron (steroid) would help, and he demanded it. We went round and round with me trying to explain why it wouldn't help, but he really wanted it so I gave in.

He called our office 3 days later irate stating the shot I gave him made him impotent. First...why are you having sex when you have scabies. Second...yeah the decadron didn't affect you morning salute, sorry man.

-ER Doc

On a different note, I am kind of sad to say this blog is shortly coming to an end. It has been fun. When we set out to do this a few years ago, we just wanted to have some fun. I don't have the longevity of the greats like erstories.net, gruntdoc, and white coat. Psych doc and I have talked, and we think we have pretty much described every kind of douche-bag we have seen, so it is time to bring things to a close. I have a few more things I want rant about, but then we will be riding into the sunset and will take down the blog. Thanks for your support. I recommend erstories.net, white coats call room, new nurse in the hood, and nurse k.