Thursday, April 1, 2010

Dream Interpretation: On the Flip Side


Dear ER Doc,

I have made attempts to interpret multiple dreams of yours. I hope it has improved your quality of life. Now I ask for your assistance.

Over the past two or three years, I have had some version of the following dream at least ten times. I am playing basketball. It is always against some town I played in high school, with guys I know from my school and the other schools. The weird thing is, sometimes the basketball courts are bizarre. Usually they aren't flat. There are more than 2 baskets and they are at different heights. Some baskets are really high, probably 12 or 14 feet. The basketball courts always look like Salvador Dali designed the stadium.

The dreams are great. I am dunking on everybody. Nothing fancy, but 2 handed putbacks, drop step dunks, etc. Making behind-the-back passes. A total stud, not a great ballhandler or anything, but dominant. Rebounds everything. Like the high school version of a Larry Bird/Bill Russell clone. If you hate the Celtics, sorry, come up with another scenario.

Here's the weird thing. I could never dunk in high school, or even now. I was a rebounding machine. Please help me understand why I can't get over the fact that I will never dunk a basketball.

ER doc, I respect your knowledge of basketball and myself. Please help.

-Psych Doc

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Dear Psych Doc,

I am glad you came to me for help. Yes, your dream interpretations have helped me. I have learned that I am curious about gay midgets, I am hard up and have a gobstopper that is stuck in my shaft, and that I'm inadequate as a man so my wife is trying to bang Santa. Quality shit.

I know nothing about dreams. In fact, I'd like to know why do I still have wet dreams every few months....sometimes even AFTER I've had sex??? Anyways, I'll give it a shot.

In our many years of knowing each other, I've learned that high school was a pretty "dry" time for you in regards to the females. You had the potential to make lots of lays (or layups in your dream), but never did. Now you have the knowledge and the nuts... but time has passed, your happily married, and you can't go back and make those conquests. The guilt in your subconscious won't let you dream the obvious dreams of pure sex, so you transfer it into basketball.

Like you said...the courts aren't flat...like what you screwed in high school (the bed). You never dunked, meaning you never had sex. You said there are more than 2 baskets at different heights. That just represents the different girls....different sized women and lots of them. Dunking on everybody transfers into mounting anyone in your site. You are not a very fancy guy....very down to earth (a compliment btw). In your dream you said "nothing fancy...two-handed put backs and behind-the-back passes...but dominant." That translates into wild but controlled sex. Two-handed put backs would be the reverse cowgirls position (hold on tight with 2 hands!), and behind the back passes would be doggy style.

"I could never dunk...but was a rebounding machine." Dunking involves putting the ball in the hole... we already established you didn't get any. Rebounding involves grabbing a loose ball...which for you means grabbing the lotion, and grabbing your glob as it as it flies across the room

Salvador Dali's mustache represents you smiling from all the poundings your giving. You did not mention any back court violations, so rest assured you are straight!

Your pal,

-ER Doc

4 comments:

Mel said...

I don't get why y'all straight boys always need to be reassured of your sexuality.

Diver Joe said...

ER Doc. I agree with your interpretation of his dream except for one thing. The Salvador Dali thing, I don't think it's him smiling. I tell you, some of those vajayjay do look like Salvador Dali in my experience.

nai nai said...

haha this makes my day :)

Sarah G said...

Absolutely fantastic interpretation. If I ever dream about basketball, I'll know what it really means.