Friday, January 15, 2010

Psych ER

Okay, this is a couple weeks late, but let me report on a recent psych ER shift. 12/27/09. Sunday. 2 Days after Christmas. Most Americans are at church, watching NFL, etc. Let me describe for you a few exciting patients who all came in during my shift.
1. Lady who swears she is pregnant with Obama's twin babies. Funny thing is, she is 72 years old.
2. Different female, running away from California because a group of Satan worshippers led by Ozzy Osbourne are harrassing her.
2. Asian female, found passed out in a shopping center. When she woke up, she told me all about how she was involved in 9/11 and Columbine. She begged me to please lock her up and commit her because she wasn't safe in her apartment. The people involved in Columbine were tapping her phone and trying to kill her. She was a little apprehensive about hospitalization though. "Everytime I go into the hospital, people who I don't know are killed." I thought, "Wow. That happens even if I'm not in the hospital."

4. Young White male, brought in for "kicking my dad's ass." Also threatened to drive himself into the lake and he interrupted a church service shouting"The Christ has come, bitches." He was oriented to time "Boxing Day", which I think may have been correct. He knew the date, but then said," It's December 27 here. But what about the other side of that pole. What about on that TV right there? Is it illegal if someone drops all of your belongings in the middle of the ocean?"

I have heard stories about some academic psych programs that get excited if they see a couple of schizophrenic patients during their entire residency. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you Yale and Harvard. ADLAC. That's All Day Long At County, Bitches.

-Psych Doc


Anonymous said...

Boxing Day is December 26th, dollface. Just for future reference.

Trust us....we're doctors said...

Yeah, I know. I googled that shit. Whatever Boxing Day is. As long as my patients are +/- 2 days, I don't get too excited.

-Psych Doc

Anonymous said...

I'm calling bullshit on the "couple schizophrenics" in all of residency at Yale. Clearly you've never seen New Haven or YPH (Yale's psych hospital) if that's what you think of it. Yale - blue blood institution. New Haven = gun wavin'.