80s Stars and Bad Vitamins

First, let me say that like ER Doc, I am starting to feel like I have described every kind of moron that can be encountered in a psychiatric setting. In order to prevent repetitiveness, it may be time to wind this thing down. Notice that I am describing a particular type of moron in most of my posts. Rarely do I exploit those with real psychiatric illnesses, but this patient had me straining to keep a straight face. I am not making fun of her, but what she said was funny. And her "voice" was telling her to get a gun and shoot herself, which is most definitely unfunny.

Warning: Strong Language to follow.

The patient was a female in her 30s. She has been more or less psychotic since she gave birth to her first child a decade ago. Her illness is not helped by a 20 year marijuana use history as well as K2 and other synthetics for the past 6 months. She began by telling me that since she was a little girl, a person named "Jane" has lived in her head and has been belittling her and "making me sell my soul. She calls me 'Punky Brewster' and 'Vitamin Pussy.' I don't even know what that means, but when I worked in Denny's, some teenagers looked at the menu and told Jane to call me that."


She said, "I know that Jane was harassing me last night because I woke up with morning breath." And interestingly, Jane caused her face to turn orange; "The same color as dog poo."


I mentioned that Jane has been around for a while. "Jane first came to visit me when I was 3 years old. At first she gave me happy dreams. Then when I turned 10, the dreams got all gay."


"Gay?", I queried.


"I dreamt I was making out with Emilio Estevez. I was so in love with him. I woke up all excited. I tried to go back to sleep and have the same dream again, but that bitch made me dream about a mermaid on a damn beach!"


"How has your illness affected your work and personal lives?", I asked.


"I can't get a job. Jane always puts me down. Every time I go on a job interview, she says, 'Nobody will ever hire you because your pussy isn't as pretty as their pussies.'"


Maybe that's why Soleil Moon Frye was never heard from after 1988.


-Psych Doc

How Do I Call The Ambulance

True story from this morning....

A 26 year old called the ER and spoke to the nurse. She had been seen last week in our ER, and had our telephone number on her discharge instructions.

Her question for our nurse was....."How do I call 911 to come get me?"

No this lady was not retarded. The nurse said "Just dial the numbers 9-1-1 on your phone."

Ten minutes later the lady was brought in by EMS.

-ER Doc

Medication Refill

I appreciate the kind words from everyone. Really I do a good job of venting to my friends Psych Doc and Doc Sensitive. The blog has been fun, but I think when the stories I have run out that will be the end. I received some interesting offers in the last week, so things might be on hold as far as shutting down production....for a little bit.

Anyways back to the stories......

A 63 year old male came in for a medication refill.

Me: "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"

Patient: "I was hoping you could refill my meds for my blood pressure."

Me (few basic history questions then...): "OK, what meds are you on?"

Patient: "I don't know. I have been on them for ten years."

Me: "I need a name if I am going to help you. Do you know what it sounds like, or what it starts with?"

Patient: "No, I just know I have been on it for a long time. Can you refill it?"

Me: "Sir, there are a lot of blood pressure names out there, can you think of anything for me to go with?"

Patient: "No, just refill them dammit!"

It was Sunday afternoon. No primary doc to call. He wasn't in our electronic medical records. He had no clue what the name even sounded like. He couldn't tell me what they looked like. He literally just expected me to be a genie and come up with his meds. I think I even said that at one point. I asked about 20 different questions that I was hoping would spark his memory. Nothing worked. Why the hell even come in?

-ER Doc

Patient Complaint

I received a funny patient complaint this week.

I had a 42 year old come in for scabies (we get a lot of patients with scabies, as you can tell by now).

I told him the treatment I would be prescribing him, but he had heard that a shot of decadron (steroid) would help, and he demanded it. We went round and round with me trying to explain why it wouldn't help, but he really wanted it so I gave in.

He called our office 3 days later irate stating the shot I gave him made him impotent. First...why are you having sex when you have scabies. Second...yeah the decadron didn't affect you morning salute, sorry man.

-ER Doc

On a different note, I am kind of sad to say this blog is shortly coming to an end. It has been fun. When we set out to do this a few years ago, we just wanted to have some fun. I don't have the longevity of the greats like erstories.net, gruntdoc, and white coat. Psych doc and I have talked, and we think we have pretty much described every kind of douche-bag we have seen, so it is time to bring things to a close. I have a few more things I want rant about, but then we will be riding into the sunset and will take down the blog. Thanks for your support. I recommend erstories.net, white coats call room, new nurse in the hood, and nurse k.

Now...and Free

Me: "What are you here for today, Sir?"

Patient: " I am here to have my gallbladder removed."

Me: "Are you having any symptoms?"

Patient: "No, but I have in the past, and they told me I need to get scheduled to get it out."

Me: "Well you should definitely do that, then. But this is an emergency department. We can only consult a surgeon if you are having an emergency with your gall bladder. It sounds like you need to follow up with a surgeon."

Patient: "Look, I don't wanna do that. It costs money. Now get me a damn surgeon. I want the surgery NOW, and I want it for FREE."

He got kicked out shortly after. This is the country we live in. Imagine if I went into a mechanic shop with my car and demanded them to fix it for free and right away. Gese.

ER Doc

8-Fer

A family of EIGHT came in for me to see. This isn't as many as my record (15), but it was definitely the 2nd most.

The family ranged from ages 7-79. They were in a Dodge Durango on the way to a graduation. They were rear ended at low speed. Everyone was wearing a seat belt. They all then went to the graduation and celebration.

Afterward, some 4 hours later, they decided to come in and "get checked out." And I discharged them ALL from the waiting room.

ER Doc

Weird Shift

Had a weird couple of nights this week....

1- A man was seen walking around the parking lot with a roll of toilet paper on a leash. He said he was looking for his mother's cat that took a cab to the hospital.

2- A 24 year old who came in for an ankle sprain...but was also grossly infected with scabies.

3- A 21 year old man called EMS for a toothache. I am not sure why they actually brought him...but they did. He walked in through the ambulance bay with the paramedics and his girlfriend, who had a bag of cheetos in her hands. I guess she needed a snack for the ride. When I directed them to go to triage, he got mad and walked out the hospital. Ooops.

4- A 37 year old man got released from drug rehab. He decided to celebrate by getting drunk and passing out on his porch and knocking out a couple of teeth.

5- A 22 year old female wanted a mammogram to see how far along in her pregnancy she was.

6- A 45 year old female came in intoxicated. She was afraid she was pregnant, so she decided to get drunk and do drugs to kill the fetus. But when she got the room, she decided she wanted to keep the kid (it would have been #9). Thankfully she wasn't actually pregnant.

7- A 37 year old male came in after getting "jumped" by 10 guys and 5 girls. Of course, he said they jumped him for no reason. On review of his past medical records, I learned he was seen a few years ago after being jumped. Somehow...his keys got stuck in his ass when he got jumped that time.

8- A 27 year old came in for a drippy dick. We counted on the electronic medical records that he had been seen TWENTY THREE TIMES in the past 2 years for a STD. Nice...

ER Doc

Be Careful

People....be careful. Young people die too. Its one of the hardest things in medicine. The hardest thing I have to do is break the news on someone young that died. Children are the worse. These cases involved 20-30 year olds.

A few friends were celebrating a graduation. I suspect alcohol was involved. At 3 am, their car veered off the highway and ran into a tree. Only one was wearing a seat-belt. The other 2 were ejected through the windshield and landed about 30 yards away. They were pronounced dead shortly after making it to my ER. The guy wearing a seatbelt.....no injuries. Both victims left behind young wives and parents.

A 23 year old was helping his brother fix their car. The car wasn't on proper lifts. When he stuck his head under the car to take a look, it came crashing down on him crushing his skull. It was horrible. He left behind a brother, sister, and parents.

We are never too young to die. Be careful.

ER Doc

Ironman 3 - Poo Siege

Hollywood would have you believe that "Thor" is the first blockbuster of the summer. I have it on good authority, however, that there is a pirated version of Ironman 3. I am now going to tell you the plot. Warning: spoilers ahead!

For those who don't know, we have a patient in common we have dubbed Ironman. See posts here and here. I also gave a brief Easter update. Since that post, Ironman spent a few more weeks in the big-time psych hospital. Once they determined for about the 10th time that there's nothing that can help this guy, he was discharged. I'm not sure where he was discharged to. He didn't stay there long. Within 2 days, he was back in the hospital where my residency is.

Keep in mind:

1. These hospitals are 70 miles apart and would involve travel through 3 counties, at least.

2. He has no home and owns no means of transportation.

He is, however, apparently blessed with the ability to remember every phone number to every hospital within a hundred mile radius. Not just the main numbers. He can direct dial most of the inpatient units and some social workers.

The real question is why is he back in the hospital? He just spent a month and the grandaddy of psych hospitals (in this state anyway). He should be cured, right?

Ironman swallowed some sheet-metal screws. He didn't pretend to do this. There is radiologic evidence. He had to wait on the med-surg unit for the screws to pass. This requires the poor nursing staff to inspect his fecal matter. I guess it can't be that bad, he's a superhero, they could probably sell it on Ebay. Finally, a nurse noticed large, coarse particles and began to celebrate. She might have even shouted "Eureka!", thinking her fecal screw inspecting days were over.

But, alas, it was only some pieces of wood and bark that he had swallowed some other time.

And for the first time ever, a nurse wanted a patient to screw her, and he gave her good wood, but she was left wanting more. To be continued...

-Psych Doc

Cage Em

A patient came in the ER with a severe ear laceration after being bitten by HIS BROTHER. One so bad I had to swallow my pride and call the on call plastic surgeon for help.

After explaining the case.....

Plastics: "Don't you think you can sew that up, give them a shot of antibiotics, and have them see me in clinic."

Me: "You mean like I do 98% of the time?? No. How about I take a pic and send it to your phone."

I sent him the following pic.....













And he called back shortly.....

Plastics: "I am on my way in. Please get me a plastics tray. And please get a cage to lock up these animals!"

-ER Doc